Day 31
I finally caved. I let Faith sit with me at lunch. Beneath all that Jesus, she actually seemed nice. Tala has become a regular at the bench even though she rarely speaks. Maybe she could teach Faith the art of conversational restraint. I hate small talk.
Katherine
Day 32
I attended my first group willingly. There’s a lot of talking there too. A lot of stories like mine. But there is also something else. Something different. Something unlike anything I ever saw at work. A loyalty. A real loyalty. That part is not just talk.
Katherine
Day 33
Tala started talking today. I guess that’s a theme this week. She talked about the girl in her painting . . . her daughter. It was so weird, though. She only talked about her in past tense. I didn’t ask. Something on her face was . . . dark. Darker even than me.
Katherine
Day 34
I went back to the art class. Something about that convo with Tala made me want to know more. I have never been a nosy person—I never cared enough to bother with anyone else’s problems. I had enough of my own. But with Tala, there is something different.
Katherine
Day 35
Curiosity keeps me entering the art room. Full-on Faith followed me in today, but Trevor shooed her away with a wink at me. Maybe he has had enough of religion too. People talking behind your back while praising Jesus to your face. No thank you.
Katherine
Day 36
Mr. Fancy Pants the creativity coach teased me today, insisting that if I want to keep hiding in the art room, I have to actually do art. What was that look? Was he flirting with me? Better not be. I have zero space for flirting. Ever. Not after . . . never mind.
Katherine
Day 37
I thought if I started doodling, then they would let me out of group. No such luck. Now I am stuck in art and group and can’t find Tala. And Full-on Faith waits outside the door every day to talk about my “higher power.” I am the only higher power I can trust.
Katherine
Day 38
Tala reappeared at the bench. She was waiting for me this time. But no talking. And that look. Something sinister is holding her hostage. I have seen that look before. In my own mirror. It doesn’t lead anywhere nice. Maybe I should talk to her more.
Katherine
Day 39
I checked all the boxes on my schedule today like a good girl so I could get to the art room. Tala was already there painting. Today, she paints fire while she cries. Something is terribly wrong. But she still isn’t talking. And where was she for three days?
Katherine
Day 40
No, I am not sure what got into me, Full-on Faith. I probably shouldn’t have thrown paint at her. But that roommate of mine wanted to run her mouth the second she heard me talking to Tala. Trying to claim she was caught drinking. She’s the lush, not Tala.
Katherine
Day 41
That was a lovely 24 hours of solitary. At least I got to read. Sadly, their bougie library has little to offer in marketing and business books. All personal development and fiction. Of course the book was a Christian book. Full-on Faith probably planned that.
Katherine
Day 42
I have gained even more quiet. Apparently, the lush roommate claimed Tala was drinking because she was the one who gave her the liquor. Now no more roommate. But that also means that Tala might have actually been drinking. In. rehab. Not that I have room to talk.
Katherine
Day 43
Fired. They freaking fired me. WHILE IN REHAB. What is wrong with these people!? How gracious of them to offer to continue to pay for the rest of my stay. And Duncan will never pay a dime for the damage that was really done. Maybe I should have just told.
Katherine
Day 44
Trevor calls my sketches dark. You have no idea buddy. Full-on Faith is thrilled I am “participating” more. Tala keeps staring at me from behind her canvas of lilies with a concerned look. I thought I had hit my breaking point. Pretty sure I was wrong.
Katherine
Day 45
They gave me sketch books to take back to my room, despite the fact that we are not supposed to take anything from the art room. I put them on the disappearing roommates bed and stared at them a while. They looked just like the ones I had in high school.
Katherine
Day 46
I drew another thing today. A picture of my high school. I am pretty sure it was exact even though I haven’t seen it in twenty-two years. The last time I remember peace. I forgot how much I liked the feel of the paper beneath the pencil. Soothing. Controlled.
Katherine
Day 47
I took the sketchbook to the bench. Now that the anger is subsiding, the quiet calls me more. But I still didn’t mind when Tala showed up. She talks of real things, kind of like they do in group. No mishmash of gossip or weather. But then she quiets and cries.
Katherine
Day 48
I actually talked in group today. Admission sucks. But they were weirdly supportive of my failure. They stick together. I guess that is what families are supposed to be like. Not that I would know. I went to tell Tala, but she is gone again. Something’s not good.
Katherine
Day 49
Strangest thing. I have spent all afternoon actually wanting to help someone else. Overheard admins talking about Tala. Of all the things she never told me at the bench, she never told me Lilly was dead. Now the paintings make sense. I have to find her.
Katherine
Day 50
They won’t let me see her. She’s in the magic third floor lock down—worse than the relapse room. To get up there she would have said she wanted to . . . no, not Tala. She’s got issues but she has encouraged me through some of my worst days. There must a mistake.
Katherine
Day 51
I spent the day on my bench. Alone. I refuse to go back in. Some things you just can’t come back from. I knew recovery was a joke. The pain this world brings is a darkness we cannot escape. Who was I kidding thinking I was worth saving.
Katherine
Day 52
They coaxed me back inside when it got dark. The storms rolled in and the lightning was getting a little too close for comfort, so I caved. They can make me come in from the rain but they can’t make me leave this room. I have no one left to go see. Meaningless.
Katherine
Day 53
The noise in the silence of this room screams louder than the voices in the hall outside the door. I stopped listening and pulled the blanket over my head after I heard mention of her funeral. Two states away. She is now they scandal they can’t forget.
Katherine
Day 54
I decided to open the curtains today to let in some light. The only thing I saw were strangers loading her things into the back of a van. I wonder if her guilt was in one of those boxes. I imagine it would be heavy. I closed the curtains and went back to bed.
Katherine
Day 55
They have sent reinforcements. What kind of name is Jessie for a girl anyway? I stayed in the bathroom until she gave up. I do not need a grief counselor. It is not like I knew Tala that well anyway. I didn’t really even like her. Not really. Not like friends do.
Katherine
Day 56
The bathroom trick doesn’t seem to be working. Why is she still here. Why does she keep asking questions I am obviously not answering. Is she enjoying sitting at my desk talking to herself. No one has answers. So she’s gone. Move on lady. I am just fine.
Katherine
Day 57
Today, she just sat out there in silence. For TWO HOURS. There is only so much you can do in a bathroom for two hours. She finally left, but she took one final parting shot. On my desk, in perfect cursive, on perfect stationary. “Why did she call you Hope?”
Katherine
Day 58
Jessie changed her strategy. Today, it is just a note with an appointment time and directions to her office at the other end of the building. Nice try. It made a great filler for the trash can by the curtains. I wonder if it is safe to open them now?
Katherine
Day 59
Well, she’s stubborn. I’ll give her that. If she keeps this up, I’ll have to leave my room to go get a new trash bag. It is kind of full of cracker wrappers at this point anyway. Tala loved crackers. I think. I think she loved crackers. Didn’t she?
Katherine
Day 60
It was entertaining to see their shocked faces out of the corner of my eye as I strolled across the building. Haven’t they ever seen pajamas before? I slid the paper under the door and immediately wished I hadn’t. Then I saw her name plate. Seriously? Jessie JOY?
Katherine
